Ow, That’s My Zygomatic Arch Wobbling

The electric igniter on my gas furnace broke off on a day when the temperature was headed down into the teens. I keep a spare on hand, as they do like to quit late at night, on weekends and holidays. Replacing them is a matter of taking off the filter, undoing a handful of screws, swapping the part out and replacing everything.

It should be easy enough, but hand-eye coordination has been a problem for me most of my life. That day making sure the tip of the screwdriver and the head of the screw made proper contact gave me a hideous headache and made my left eye water with the strain. Once it decided to start hurting, it was not giving up until something gave way.

I have not mentioned in these posts the disturbing discovery my western medical doctors off-handedly mentioned to me last summer. My glasses prescription changed distinctly for the worse for my left eye. And while looking up my nostrils, my allergist remarked that my left septum was now significantly smaller than my right septum.

Directing those snapping guy wires of scar tissue behind my left eye in a positive direction has been the challenge. I have not been unduly alarmed because this is not the first time my eye sockets and my head have changed shape rather drastically. A couple of decades ago I was having horrible headaches and eyestrain so I went to get my eyes checked.

This being Santa Fe, the eye doctor told me that while it looked like my right retina was trying to detach, he did not think it was from muscular tension like most people. He thought that it had to do with the physical bone structure of the eye socket since my eye muscles were actually quite relaxed.

He thought I did a great deal of mediation and I suppose that that is true. However, my father had also had me doing Bates eye exercises since I was tiny. At any rate, I went home and proceeded to have horrible grinding noises in my head but less strain in my right eye. I decide to go back to the eye doctor and he confirmed that the stress that was forcing the retina to detach was gone, but recommended I get cranial sacral work.

First I tried a cranial sacral body worker who had retired from an osteopathic head trauma unit somewhere in the Midwest. She worked on me once, and ended the session by telling me that people like me were the reason she quit working at the head trauma unit. She recommended I find a real doctor that did cranial sacral work. By the time I got into see an osteopath that did cranial sacral work, my symptoms were so extreme that he concluded that I most likely had a pituitary tumor or temporal lobe epilepsy.

Bones moving around in my head were the least likely diagnosis. He agreed to try a couple of sessions with the caveat that I get an MRI if there was no improvement.When he actually put his hands on my head, he whistled and said ‘this is going to be a real roller coaster ride’.

Eventually, my head stabilized and the prescription for my right eye improved drastically. But the shape of my right eye changed so much that one eye doctor refused to give me a new prescription until he figured out why there were wrinkles on my cornea. The wrinkles went away of their own accord thankfully, as his worldview did not allow for radical reshaping of eye sockets or eyeballs.

However, there has been no change in my left eye until now, although there were signs that not all was well. I did not like to chew on the left side of my mouth. It sent stabbing pains through the left side of my head. It felt like my whole zygomatic arch was unstable. The ends shifted around as though the center was rocking on some hard pointy object that was someplace it ought not to be. In fact, it hurt so much that I ended up fracturing my lower right bicuspid about eighteen months ago trying to avoid provoking the pains.

My dentist said it was inevitable the tooth die and I would have much more pain if it died slowly and have to deal with infection as well. Part of the problem with the tooth was that the adhesive holding the crown in place was heat sensitive, so the lightning strike (click here) had compromised it. Part of the problem was that my metabolic acidosis and vitamin d deficiency had compromised my teeth.

He recommended that he kill the tooth by doing a root canal before it died. Getting the tooth taken care of cost as much as a used car, but I managed to get it done and paid for. However, a dead tooth does not give the same proprioreceptive feedback as a live one. So my bite and the shape of my head began to change once more.

I have had bits of bone, from chips to grit work their way out of my head since I can remember, but the one that woke me up as it came through my soft palate one night was a humdinger. However startling, a mouthful of bloody gritty scratchy serum beats a swollen soft palate interfering with one’s ability to breathe and swallow. And not feeling like there was a tack stuck through the roof of my mouth was a relief once the inflammation went down and the hole in the roof of my mouth quit draining.

Then the doctors confirmed that not only did the whole up left side of my head feel like it was collapsing, there were visible changes in the bone structure. So, yeah the left side of my head had felt dark, heavy and achy and my right arm and leg do have a tendency to suddenly not work. I could attribute that to brain trauma and nerve damage. But overt ongoing detrimental physical changes in the bone structure of my left eye and nostril?

That is bad news. It means the many small bones inside my skull are unstable. It means that my vision and mobility are at risk. And I find a future where I am blind and crippled a really unsavory prospect.

So I few days later my body decided to get rid of a sliver of plastic that had been stuck somewhere deep into the tender structures it could reach from the right side crook of my neck since I flew out the window in a car accident as a toddler (click here).  Then my body could go about re-ordering itself so I could retain my ability to see and walk. That has been a pretty miserable process over the last six months.

The hard scratchy stuff that my left zygomatic arch was rocking back and forth finally worked its way out. I expected more bone grit, but what I saw was mostly very small very hard, very sharp, very shiny clumps of black crystalline stuff that looked like the slag left after smelting metal. The only story I can come with to explain that is that our bodies tend to pool toxic waste and try to isolate it so it does not destroy the whole organism.

I had severe heavy metal poisoning from poor quality unnecessary dental work as a kid. I also had a whole lot of scar tissue from head trauma. Scar tissue carries a negative electrical charge, so it does not metabolize properly.

Negatively charged tissue would attract positively charged lightning. And that negative charge also makes scar tissue a prime site for toxic waste to pool. I can only figure that running a billion bolts of lightning through the heavy metals pooled in the scar tissue in my head left behind relatively inert scorched metallic material that looks like slag.

But once that had worked its way out, the whole left side of my head could really begin to rock and roll. Getting it to stabilize is now the challenge. Even if the physical obstructions are gone, the kinesthetic memory and all the compensatory patterns are still there. Releasing and recalibrating all of that is the next step.

And one of my relentless questions has always been ‘Why’. I have sought the reasons why has my body never managed to heal that early trauma every time I find myself in a crisis. It has been clear to me that one reason I did not heal completely was because my whole family circumstances were so stressful that I did not have the resources to do so.

But over the last few days, the actual moment when I made that decision was brought to the surface. I woke up only find myself frozen, lying on face down on my bed as though I had collapsed out of a crawl because I could not control my limbs. Since not  being able to move when I wake up is not unusual, , I did my usual go into body memory to see what and why was going on bit.

This time  felt like I was struggling to lift my head up so I could see who was bending over me, and turning my head to the right was the usual black-out bad pain. But, unlike my current nearsighted astigmatic view, my vision was very clear. Even though I was seeing multiple images, it was my mother looking down on me as though I were a bug on a pin. I do not know what she would have done to me, because my grandparents were coming down the hallway behind her and interrupted whatever experiment she had in mind.

What I remember thinking while looking up at her expression through my left eye is that if I ever let the situation repeat, that would be the way that I would die. If I wanted to survive my mother’s attentions, I could never allow myself to be vulnerable to her. I would have to be able to see her coming and be able to get out of her way.

Since she still felt compelled to chase me around the yard screaming that I had to die in order for her to live thirty years later, this early body memory rings true (click here). That is a hell of a decision for a toddler to have to make, but acknowledging and releasing it allowed those compensatory survival patterns to release so I could move again. Once mobile and alert, I could remind myself that I no longer have a sliver of plastic threatening to pierce my vital organs and thankfully, my sociopathic mother has been dead for over a decade . It took a few days to get my body settled down to where I could turn my head, talk, swallow, sit up and walk reliably once more.

That I am still alive, still able to see and still able to walk is not so small of an accomplishment, I think. But being able to give up those defenses and compensatory patterns that kept me here, that is a whole other level of accomplishment.

 

 

 

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